


definitions

by muppetcrayz



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Cutting, Gender Dysphoria, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans, Transphobia, Transstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2012-09-06
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muppetcrayz/pseuds/muppetcrayz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John - technically, Alexandria - is a young transguy who has no fucking clue who he is. And is more than a little depressed. And absolutely in love with his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	definitions

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna like or reblog this on tumblr: http://whatacutelittlejohn.tumblr.com/post/28374652940/

Your name is Alexandria Nicole Egbert, and you hate yourself. You are not a girl. You will never be a girl again. The issue is, you have no fucking clue what is wrong with you. It can't be normal to feel like this, to think you aren't the gender you're supposed be. And the worst part is… you can't tell anyone. Your dad wouldn't get it.

Your best friends wont' get it. You are completely and utterly lone, sitting in your room at four in the morning and wishing, hoping you were a boy, squishing your stupidly existent breasts down and pretending you were born different. Is this something you did? Something you said that would just make you all wrong?

_Was this your fault?_

Maybe it was. Maybe when you didn't say your prayers or were mean to your friends or refused to wear dresses it was some tick on your brain, ready to fuck you up permanently the day after you turned fourteen?

Or maybe you were supposed to be this way. Maybe your whole purpose in life was to be depressed and hating the way you look and who you are and every single fucking thing about yourself?

The next morning, you went on the internet. Google 'i wish i was a boy'. Apparently, you're something called trans*. More like 'not normal'. Crazy stupid weird insane. Worthless.

And all the weird feelings you were having? _Dysphoria_.

 

dysphoria /disˈfôrēə/

noun Psychiatry

a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life. The opposite of euphoria .

 

Unease. That's all it is, unease? Bullshit. It is not unease. If it was just _unease_ you would not be sitting in your room crying every night, not even able to tell your best fucking friend that you were not Alexandria any more. You're something else. You don't know what, but you're something else, dammit.

The internet says John means 'God has been gracious'. You guess in a Dave-level-ironic way that makes sense. Goddamn gracious enough to make everything SUCK. Still, you kinda like the name. Better than Ale-fucking-xandria. Which means 'protector of mankind'. Haha, that's funny. Protector of MANkind.

You think all of this sucks. You also think that if your fucking boobs grow any more you will start crying and then possibly kill yourself.

You remember being eight and finding out what _suicide_ meant. And thinking that it must be something for really weak people to do. But now you get it, now you understand that it's the only way out of feeling like shit all the time. You already started doing something else to deal with it.

 

self-harm /sɛlf-ˈhärm/

noun

deliberate injury to oneself, typically as a manifestation of a psychological or psychiatric disorder. 

 

Sometimes, if you do shit to yourself, it goes away. It stops. Only for a little while though. Only until you have to do it again.

You wish you could make it go away forever.

Maybe if you try harder, it'll go away. Maybe you can make yourself a girl again.

But it doesn't work, you can't make yourself normal again. No matter how much you cut, it doesn't stop.

When Dave calls you 'his best bro' your heart swells. When Dad calls you his 'little girl' you want to cry.

And when Dave comes out to you, you almost die.

You aren't what he wants. The only fucking person you love like that and you aren't what he wants.

 

TG: if you were a boy id totally date you

 

Oh.

_If._

If you were a boy AND YOU ARE but not the right kind. You don't have a dick. So you're not good enough. Maybe someday you will be.

Maybe someday you'll finally get to be who you've wanted to be, you'll get to be John and a boy and _good enough for Dave._

Or maybe you'll just kill yourself.

Internet's fact of the day?

41% of trans* people have tried to kill themselves.

Maybe you'll be one of the ones who succeed.

Or maybe, maybe you'll finally be okay.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

You just hope this stops.

And soon.

_before you can't handle it anymore._


End file.
